How to Empathize: A Guide to Building Real Connection
In Compassionate Communication, empathy holds a special place, providing the ground of connection and mutual understanding where our natural compassion can flourish. Teaching and practicing empathy over the years, I’ve found that there’s often some confusion around what empathy really is. Indeed, definitions and nuances vary across fields, and they’re not always in agreement.
In this piece, I want to offer you a possible way to look at empathy that brings together my own experience and practice with some key insights from neuroscience and psychology.
We’ll start by landing on a definition we can share and looking at why empathy matters so much. Then we’ll explore how to empathize: what to pay attention to when someone shares something with us, and how to express what we understand, both in structured practice and in everyday conversations. Finally, we’ll look at the habitual responses that can get in the way. I hope you’ll come away with some practical tools and fresh inspiration to tap into the power of attunement and shared understanding.
Table of Contents
What empathy is
Interestingly, the word empathy was originally used to describe how we feel our way into a work of art, like a painting or a landscape. It comes from the German Einfühlung, “feeling into,” and only later came to describe what happens between people. I’ve always loved that origin. It makes me think of approaching each other with the same awe and fascination, as if we were works of art ourselves!
Over time, the word has gathered various nuances, but there’s fair agreement on a few core ideas. Here are the ones I find most helpful.
A skill and an experience
First, I like to think of empathy as both a skill and an experience.
As a skill, empathy is our ability to understand, or at least try to understand, what someone else is experiencing, and to reflect that understanding back to them.
The experience is the quality of connection that can emerge from it: we feel that someone gets us, and something between us falls into sync. It’s like a bridge being created between our subjective worlds, without either of us getting lost in the other’s. As my colleague Thom Bond puts it, “we keep our passport during our visit”.
The good news is that, like any skill, empathy can be learned and strengthened over time. It’s a capacity we all have, and one we can keep developing.
The core components of empathy
Neuroscience and psychology research show that empathy is best understood as a set of distinct core processes. Researchers may describe them in slightly different ways, but there’s broad agreement on two of them. To bring them to life, imagine this scenario:
You’re meeting a close friend for coffee. She sits down, takes a breath, and tells you her company has just eliminated her position. She’s been there eight years.
Resonance: the felt side of empathy
As your friend speaks, you might notice your chest tighten a bit or your stomach drop. Your face might unconsciously take on a concerned expression.
This is neural resonance at work, sometimes also called affective or emotional empathy. When we witness someone in an emotional state, or hear them share something that carries emotional weight, we resonate with them. It’s a bit like a string on an instrument that starts to vibrate when the one next to it is plucked. We affect each other.
What happens in the brain is quite fascinating. Our nervous system, in a sense, simulates what it’s witnessing, and this gives us a felt sense of the other person’s state, our body’s best approximation of what they might be going through. Resonance is fast and ancient. It can happen in a fraction of a second, shows up in infants, and is shared with many other animals. Much of it unfolds outside our conscious control.
It’s worth noting that resonance doesn’t mean feeling exactly what someone else feels, which is a common confusion around empathy. We can never fully know another person’s subjective experience, but we can do our best to listen and understand, and resonance gives us a felt starting point.
Understanding: the cognitive side of empathy
Back at the coffee table, you start wondering what this means for your friend. Is she scared about her financial security? Hurt after years of loyalty? Maybe, underneath it all, a little relieved? You might assume she’s devastated because in her shoes you would be, and then she tells you she’s been longing to leave for a year.
Understanding is the cognitive side of empathy, sometimes called mentalizing or perspective taking. It’s a more conscious effort to grasp what someone is experiencing, from their point of view: what they see, think, feel and need. It helps us discover what’s true for the other person, beyond what would be true for us.
Why we need both
These two processes are the core of empathy, and each is crucial in its own way. Resonance brings warmth and a felt connection. It lets the other person sense we’re with them. Understanding gives that resonance direction and a container. It helps us make sense of what they’re feeling, check our guesses, and remember whose experience this is.
When one is missing, things may go sideways. Resonance without perspective can lead us to assume that what we feel is what they feel. It can also flood us. When we take on a lot of someone’s painful emotions, resonance can turn into what researchers call empathic distress and fatigue.
Understanding without resonance, on the other hand, can feel cold and clinical, and at its extreme it can even be used to manipulate: someone can read your emotions and needs accurately without caring about you at all. Together, resonance and understanding contribute to building real connection, allowing us to feel with someone while keeping our feet on the ground.
The bridge from empathy to compassion
In workshops, people often ask me how empathy and compassion differ. It’s a fair question, because the two overlap a lot and the line between them is blurry. The way I see it, what compassion adds is motivation: a heartfelt wish to care for someone, to ease their suffering and, where we can, to help prevent more of it. Empathy helps us understand, and compassion is what moves us toward the other person.
Back to your friend: as you listen and understand her situation better, you may feel a warm wish for her to land on her feet, and start thinking about how you might support her. You want to be there for her.
This passage isn’t guaranteed or automatic. In Compassionate Communication, what often makes it possible is understanding at the level of human needs. When we connect with what truly matters to someone, care tends to follow.
Why empathy matters
Because it’s so woven into everyday life, empathy is easy to take for granted. Yet this ability to understand each other and connect sits at the heart of the human experience.
We need each other
We’re a deeply social species. For most of our history, survival depended on staying close to one another, reading each other’s signals and working together. Understanding what others feel and need is what makes it possible to cooperate, care for each other and build relationships that hold us. We need each other to survive, and even more to thrive. Empathy is one of the skills that make this possible.
The power of being heard
There’s something else that makes empathy so precious. Being heard and understood shapes us deeply, from how we relate to our own feelings to how we come to see ourselves, and it’s a need we never outgrow. Many of us know how rare it is to feel truly heard, and how much can shift when it happens. Feeling held in the mind and heart of someone warm and attuned is one of the deepest sources of resilience we have.
Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology and a mentor to Marshall Rosenberg, saw this throughout his career. When we feel deeply heard, he noticed, we often find our own way forward, without anyone telling us what to do. And when we’re received without being evaluated, advised or redirected, something in us tends to relax. We hear ourselves more clearly, touch parts of our experience we hadn’t yet put into words, and new insights can emerge.
How to empathize
It starts with intention and capacity
I think it’s important to keep in mind that the “how” of empathy begins with the “why”: our intention. In Compassionate Communication, we cultivate the intention to simply understand and be with the other person.
We bring curiosity about what’s alive in them, without trying to fix them or steer them anywhere. Those other intentions sneak in more often than we realize, sometimes simply because someone else’s pain is hard for us to sit with. When our intention is to understand and connect, however, that alone creates the conditions for a lot to happen.
It’s just as important to be clear about our capacity. We might be exhausted, stressed, or hurt by the very person in front of us. That’s human. Instead of forcing ourselves to listen while running on empty, we can be transparent about where we are: “I really want to hear how it went, and I’m wiped out right now. Can we talk tomorrow morning?” Or, with a partner in a tense moment: “I want to understand you, and I’m too upset to listen well right now. Can we take a few minutes and come back to this?”
With intention and capacity in view, let’s turn to the practice itself: what to pay attention to when someone shares something with us, and how to express what we understand, both in structured practice and in everyday conversations.
What to pay attention to
When someone shares something with us, their experience reaches us in layers, and our attention can move between them. These layers aren’t a strict sequence, and in a real conversation our attention shifts back and forth, often within a few seconds. Still, it helps to know they’re there, so we can notice where our attention is and choose where to bring it.
Let’s go back to your friend at the coffee shop, the one who just lost her job.
1. Attuning to the energy
As you sit with your friend, you take in more than her words, noticing the tone of her voice and the way she holds herself, and bringing your full presence to the moment.
The first layer is everything that happens beyond words, the overall energy someone brings into the conversation. Often this tells us more than what’s being said. This is where resonance does much of its work. Attuning means letting ourselves notice these signals and slowing down enough to take them in, before we rush to respond. It’s also the layer we can always access, even when we don’t understand a word, which is why simply being present can be so powerful.
2. Following the content
Your friend tells you about the meeting where she found out, the email that came afterward, what she suspects really happened behind the scenes.
The second layer is the story: what happened, who said what, what the person thinks about it, the narrative they’re building to make sense of it all.
Following the content matters. It shows the other person we’re with them, and reflecting back what we’ve heard helps them feel accurately understood.
At the same time, this layer has its traps. Stories can be long and full of details, and it’s easy to get pulled into analyzing them, taking sides, problem-solving, or comparing them to our own experiences. And the longer we stay at this layer, the more tiring listening can become. The key here is to catch the essence, rather than every word.
3. Listening for feelings and needs
As your friend talks, you might start wondering what’s most alive for her. Maybe she’s scared and longing for some security. Maybe she’s hurt, and what she really wants is for her eight years of work to be recognized and appreciated. And alongside this, you wonder if there’s a bit of relief, and a longing for freedom and a fresh start.
The third layer lies beneath the story: the feelings and needs underneath it. This is the heart of empathy in Compassionate Communication, the layer where our practice can truly make a difference.
Needs are the universal human longings that move all of us: security, respect, connection, meaning, choice, belonging and many more. Feelings are the signals that point us toward them, a bit like a compass needle showing us where to look. Every story we tell carries some of both, and learning to listen for them can transform the way we connect.
When our attention reaches this layer, something often shifts. The other person may feel understood in a way that goes far beyond the details, as if we’ve touched what matters most. And for us, connecting with what’s precious to someone tends to open our care almost naturally. Even when we disagree with someone’s choices or opinions, we can usually recognize the needs behind them, because at a deeper level we share them too. This, in turn, is often where compassion begins.
In my experience, this is also the layer that makes empathy sustainable. Listening here, we don’t have to keep track of everything or figure anything out. We’re connecting with what someone longs for, and we often come away feeling closer to them and more grounded.
From understanding to expression
Each layer of attention has a natural way of being expressed.
1. Silent presence - Within the energy layer, empathy often needs no words. We let our face, posture and attention show that we’re with the person, and we leave room for silence. When your friend’s voice slows down, you might simply stay with her, without rushing to fill the pause.
2. A brief recap, in our words - Within the content, we can offer a short paraphrase of what we heard, so the other person can confirm or correct it: “So you found out in a meeting, and then the email came?” Keeping it brief matters. We’re showing that we’re following and catching the essence, without retelling the whole story for them.
3. A feelings and needs guess - Within the deepest layer, we put our sense of what’s alive for them into words, usually as a tentative question: “Are you feeling shaken, and wishing those eight years had been recognized?” or "Are you concerned for your sustainability?" We call it a guess because that’s what it is: a possibility we offer, inviting them to look inside and tell us what’s true.
How we combine these, and how we phrase them, depends a lot on the setting. This is where the distinction between the empathy gym and every day conversations becomes critical.
The Empathy Gym vs. Real-Life Empathy
In workshops, people sometimes tell me they tried an empathy guess with a friend or partner and it didn’t land well. Most of the time, I’m not surprised. When we first learn Compassionate Communication, it’s easy to miss the difference between intentionally practicing empathy and offering it in daily life, and to start sprinkling recaps and empathy guesses into every conversation. That can become a little unnerving for the people around us, and it doesn’t always increase the quality of connection.
The Benefits of Structured Empathy Practice
In a gym, we isolate a muscle and work it on purpose, with repetitions that would look odd anywhere else. Empathy training in Compassionate Communication works in a similar way.
We often practice in what we call an empathy session: one person speaks, the other listens, and after an agreed amount of time they switch roles. Many people meet regularly with an empathy buddy to do just that.
The great part of the "empathy gym" is that intention is clear and shared. We're both there to learn and grow our skills. These sessions are a chance to strengthen everything we’ve explored so far, from bringing full presence to putting empathy into words. That last part can feel unusual at first, since most of us have learned to respond in other ways (more on this in the last section). Feelings and needs are usually the least familiar layer, so that’s where much of the practice goes, and it’s fine if our guesses sound a bit formal.
The structure also lets us experiment. We might choose to focus on guesses, on recaps, on a mix of the two, or hold a silent session to practice pure presence. Afterward, we can ask our partner what helped them feel heard, which is feedback we rarely get in daily life. And knowing the session has a clear beginning and end makes it easier to give our full attention without feeling flooded or responsible for carrying the conversation forever.
As a bonus, these spaces are deeply nourishing. When we share while someone listens with warmth and full attention, our nervous system tends to settle, even before they say a word. Being with someone who is tuned in to us helps us regulate, and sometimes, simply by being witnessed, we find new clarity. Most of us don’t get much of this day to day, which is why many people keep their empathy buddy for years. It becomes a steady way to fill our cup, so we have more to bring to the conversations and challenges waiting for us out in the world.
Weaving Empathy into Everyday Conversations
Out in the world, things get more delicate and nuanced. Imagine responding to your friend’s news with “Are you feeling scared because you need security?” Chances are she’d look at you a bit puzzled. Possibly irritated. (I know I have been, at times, in such situations.)
Expressing empathy out loud is only one of the ways we can connect, so in everyday conversations the question becomes: would that support our connection right now? Here are a few situations where I think expressing empathy might be helpful:
To check our understanding, when we’re not sure we got it (you might be surprised by how many times we think we understood and we didn't)
To stay present ourselves, since putting what we hear into words can help us feel more connected, especially when conversations start to be a bit long and detailed
To support the other person, in case we think an empathic reflection might help them in some way, maybe to feel less alone or see their situation more clearly.
To interrupt escalation, when a conversation starts to get heated, with each person pushing harder to be heard. When one of them pauses to reflect, the whole dynamic can shift.
Whatever our reason, consent and transparency always matter, and each of these directions might call for a slightly different connection request, a simple question that checks whether something would support our connection in that moment. For example:
“I want to make sure I’m understanding you. Could I share the gist of what I’ve heard so far?”
“I’m wondering if it would feel good to hear a reflection of what you shared?”
“I’m concerned I might lose track. Can I share with you what I’ve understood so far?”
“Can we pause for a second? I want to make sure I’m really hearing you.”
Finding the words
There’s no fixed formula here. In everyday conversations, we usually draw on a mix of the two forms of expression we explored earlier: a brief recap or paraphrase and feelings and needs guesses. How we combine them depends on the context and on the person in front of us.
What tends to work best for me is a first sync at the level of content, so I know we’re on the same page, and from there a gentle move closer to feelings and needs as the conversation opens up. I find that getting to that level often adds some depth and closeness.
Chances are, at the beginning, it’s going to be clumsy, especially with people who are not familiar with this work and with whom we don’t have a shared reality about it. If we think it might seem confusing or unusual, transparency is the name of the game:
“I know this might sound a bit strange, but I just really want to understand you. Can I reflect back what I heard?”
With time and practice, all of this becomes more second nature. Our words start to sound more relaxed and more like ourselves. With your friend, it might start with “Eight years, and they wrap it up in one meeting? Ugh.” And later, as she opens up: “It sounds like part of you is grieving, and part of you can finally breathe. Is that so?”
Ultimately, our curiosity and warmth count far more than finding the exact words. And you know what helps you get there? Regular visits to the empathy gym ;)
What gets in the way
Knowing what empathy is and how to empathize doesn’t mean it will always come easily. Most of us have a few go-to responses when someone shares something with us, especially something hard, that are different from offering empathy in the ways we’ve described. Because these habits run deep, the first step is simply noticing them.
Here are some of the most common ones, which you might be tempted to bring into the conversation with your friend:
Advice: “Have you thought about reaching out to recruiters this week?”
Fixing: “Let me introduce you to my friend in HR.”
Reassuring: “Don’t worry, you’ll find something even better.”
Minimizing: “It’s just a job. It’s not the end of the world.”
Explaining: “Well, companies are all struggling right now and having to adapt.”
Sharing our opinion: “I think this could be a great chance to rethink what you want.”
Agreeing or taking sides: “They’re idiots. You’re better off without them.”
One-upping or comparing: “At least they told you in person. When I got laid off, I found out from a colleague”
Analyzing: “I wonder if this is bringing up old fears of rejection.”
To be clear, none of these responses is wrong in itself. Often, though, they’re prompted by other needs or discomforts of our own, like wanting to feel useful or finding someone’s pain hard to sit with. They tend to shift the focus away from the other person and onto ourselves. And I think we all know how it feels to receive advice we didn’t ask for, or to be reassured when we just wanted to stay with our feelings for a moment. Not great.
As we saw before, that doesn’t mean we should default to expressing empathy all the time (though we’re always free to offer it silently). When in doubt, ask what would be most supportive in the moment. Sometimes it’s great to hear an opinion or some words of reassurance, or to brainstorm ideas together. Other times, we may just want to be heard in what we’re moving through, and anything else feels off.
So I think it’s important that we grow some awareness of our own habitual responses and notice when they build connection and when they get in the way. That way, awareness can become the doorway to choosing what serves us best.
Closing thoughts
I hope this overview has given you some orientation on how to empathize, along with a few practical tips. If you’d like to strengthen these skills further, take a look at my Compassionate Communication trainings, or reach out for empathy coaching, where I can support you in building a sustainable empathy practice.
Each time we slow down long enough to feel into someone’s world, and let them know we’re there, we’re practicing something both ordinary and quite remarkable. I hope you’ll carry this presence, curiosity and intention into your life, inside the empathy gym and out.
Deepen your empathy practice
As always, I’d love to hear how this lands with you, and whether there are other insights or nuggets on empathy that you’ve found helpful. I’m aware this isn’t the only way to look at the topic, but I hope it’s a helpful one for you.
And if you’d like to deepen your practice, take a look at my upcoming Compassionate Communication trainings, or reach out for empathy coaching to build a sustainable practice.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Start with your intention: a sincere wish to understand the person, without trying to fix them. Then bring your full presence and listen on different layers: the energy beyond their words, the story they’re telling, and the feelings and needs underneath. When it feels welcome, you can reflect back what you’ve understood, starting with a brief recap and moving gently toward feelings and needs. In everyday conversations, it helps to check whether a reflection would be supportive, and to let your curiosity and warmth lead more than any formula.
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Sympathy usually means feeling sorry for someone while keeping our distance, as in “Oh, you poor thing.” There’s care in it, yet the focus tends to slide toward our own reaction, and it can leave the other person feeling more alone. Empathy moves in the other direction: we step into the other person’s world and try to understand it from the inside. With a friend who just lost her job, it might sound like “Wow, eight years. That’s a lot to take in. Is there some relief in there too?”
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They overlap a great deal. Empathy helps us understand what someone is living, and compassion adds motivation: the wish to ease their suffering and move toward them. Research by neuroscientist Tania Singer points to an important difference in how they affect us. When we take on someone’s pain without enough understanding, it can turn into empathic distress, which drains us. Compassion, by contrast, is associated with positive feelings and resilience. In Compassionate Communication, connecting with someone’s needs is often what helps empathy open into compassion.
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A few things help. Be honest about your capacity, and let people know when you need a moment or another time to listen well. Let go of feeling responsible for fixing; your role is to be with someone while they find their own way, and that often brings relief. Listening for feelings and needs, instead of tracking every detail of the story, tends to feel more grounding. And having your own regular space to be heard, like an empathy buddy, helps fill your cup.
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Yes. Like any skill, empathy can be practiced and strengthened over time. Research on empathy and compassion training shows that these capacities can change with practice, even at the level of the brain. In Compassionate Communication, we train through structured sessions where we can focus on specific layers of listening, experiment and receive feedback.
